Scientific Name: Gnomis yardius Common Name: Yard Gnome, Lawn Gnome, Garden Gnome Height: Southeastern Yard Gnomes have been known to be up to twenty-four inches tall; the average height is 18 inches. Weight: Varies from region to region. Can be up to twenty lbs. Origin: Possibly extraterrestrial. Appearance: Flushed skin, twinkling eyes, bright clothes, and wrinkly faces. Habitat: Grass flats, gardens. Habits: Tending gardens, sleeping, fishing, and plotting the demise of humans everywhere. Lifespan: Indefinite.

Note the bright clothing, flowers in hand, and the innocent face. This yard gnome is responsible for over thirty deaths, fourteen grievous injuries, and one nasty divorce.

If you suspect a yard gnome in your vicinity, use this checklist:

• Is the suspect less than three feet tall?
• Is the suspect wearing strange clothing?
• Is the suspect perpetually smiling, blushing, or sleeping?
• Does the suspect appear to be watching you as you cross your yard?
• At night, do strange noises emanate from the vicinity of the suspect?
• Has the suspect ever disappeared and returned, unexplained?

If you answered yes to more than three of these questions and have verified that your suspect is not in fact a human toddler, then you have a genuine yard gnome on your hands. Read more on how to combat the growing threat to America.

Go back to the AAYG page.