A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson, that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.
He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....
~ "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
~ "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
~ "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
~ "Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
~ "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
~ "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."
~ "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
~ "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
~ "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
~ "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
~ "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
~ "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
~ "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
~ "Two fisted real men don't wanna get married...unless they miss their Mommy's."
Horse Sense
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.
As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know beans about cars!"
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One time in the old West a stagecoach was speeding across the prairie when suddenly a cowboy riding a horse pulled up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulled up on the right.
The cowboy leaned over, opened the door, and jumped off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opened the door on the other side and jumped onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, one of the passengers yelled out, "What was all that about?"
The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
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You might be a city cowboy if:
Created by Chris Klossner
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A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train. The leader was very inexperienced and soon the people were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.
As the group came over a hill they saw an old Jewish man, a Litvak yet, sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man.
"Can you help us? We're lost and our food is all gone"
The old man replied, "Vell you know, I can see da future...Vait.. I'm getting a vision now." He closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming. Oh yah, I see, I see. Go up dis here hill und down da hather side. Go through forest und across stream. Den go up next hill und down to dat valley below. There you vill find ah bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.
"YA, ah bacon tree. Trust me.. for nuttin vud I lie. I can see the future."
The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old man's directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below.
Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a thing and especially no bacon tree.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. Only one man survived, seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, across the stream, through the forest, up the hill and down into the valley. There, under the same tree was that same old Litvak, having a glass tea.
"What were you thinking?' said the survivor. "We followed your instructions to the letter! Instead of a BACON TREE we saw Indians, thousands of Indians! My people are all DEAD!"
The man held his hand up to his head. "Oye, vait A minute... Oyeeee... G'VALT. I make ah big mistake... It vuz not bacon tree... It vuz ham bush!"
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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets and, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also, being a practical leader, he decided to seek advice from experts.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it still going to be a cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter.
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" he asked for a third time.
"Absolutely," the weatherman replied. "In fact, it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever!"
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy."
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" he asks.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Texas Rangers
Long ago lived a Texas Ranger named Captain Bravo. He was a tough man, who showed no fear. One day, while he and his company of Rangers were riding across the Llano Estacado, a ranger riding in advance spotted a band of 50 Comanches approaching and galloped back and nervously reported what he spotted.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt!"
A young Ranger quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright bibbed shirt he led his men into battle and defeated the Comanches.
The next day, one of the scouts spotted not 50, but 100 Comanches. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the Indians.
That evening, all the men sat around on the campfire recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a tough man.
As dawn came the next morning, the guard spotted not 50, not 100, but 1000 Comanches approaching. The company of Rangers all stared in silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the advancing hoard of Comanches without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!".
------
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that perty lady said when I sat down beside her."
A young man from the city, Joe, really wanted to be a cowboy. Taking pity on him, an Oklahoma rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?.."
A young rancher and his wife are trying to start a ranch in Oklahoma. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The rancher takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
He eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell him a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
He buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my wife in Oklahoma that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells him, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
He thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the young rancher.
The man asks, "I'm sorry sir, but is your wife gonna understand this telegram?"
The rancher replies, "My wife is a blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN
You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Family Resemblance
An old codger who lived in a remote wilderness decided it was time to go in to town. In the general store he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before going about his business he would go in to the barn and look at the image.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day, after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after."
You might be a cowboy
If your horse trailer cost more than your house trailer, you might be a cowboy.
If you refer to your spurs as the family silver.
If you can jump from a moving horse on to the horns of a runaway steer and never lose your hat you might be a cowboy.
If your son is named after your prize bull.
If your bathtub is a stock tank.
If your horse brush is also your hairbrush you might be a cowboy.
If sleeping on the ground makes you feel rested..
If you refer to Saturday night as "bath night".
If you smell more like a horse than your horse does, you might be a cowboy.
If your idea of fun is being tied to a two-thousand pound, snot slinging, raging bull…you might be a cowboy.
If you do all your Christmas shopping at the feed and tack store.
If your favorite fragrance is "Leather" you might be a cowboy.
And last but not least, you know your a real cowboy if you give your word, shake on it, and stand behind it, no matter what.
A cowboy ran into a saloon and said to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of whiskey, quick!"
The bartender poured out the shots and the cowboy gulped them all down.
Said the bartender, "Say, I never saw anyone drink that fast!"
To which the cowboy replied, "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I have!"
"Oh, my God! What is it? What do you have?" said the saloon keeper.
"Fifty cents!" answered the cowboy.
Walking through Tombstone, a cowboy sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Chinese Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The cowboy asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The cowboy asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."
Heads Up Class... Pop Quiz!
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Boston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from New York.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up!"
A young ventriloquist is touring Texas and stops to entertain in a saloon.
He's going through his usual cowpoke jokes, when a big burly cowboy in the audience stands up and says threateningly: "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth jokes-we ain't all stupid here in Texas!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big cowboy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister-I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"
Not in Texas Anymore
A cowboy from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was baren with no greenery and hotter than San Antonio in July. Nothing much around but snakes and scorpions. A hot wind was blowing dust in his eyes.
He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."
"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"
Help Wanted
A sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a cowboy went in to try out for the job.
"OK," the sheriff said, "what is 1 and 1?"
"11" the cowboy replied.
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
"Now the last one. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The cowboy thought really hard and finally said, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that?" the sheriff suggested.
So, the cowboy went home and his wife asked him how it went.
The cowboy replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"
A Big Hole
Two cowboys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple watermelon-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My Ruby was chained to a railroad tie."
SUPPLIES!!
Back in the late 1800's a mine owner was hiring new workers.
A German steps up and says, "I can pick gold faster than any man alive." The owner hires him on the spot.
A Irishman wanders up and says, "I can load gold faster than any man alive." The owner can't believe his good fortune and hires this man too.
A Chinaman walks up and asks for a job, the owner is so elated about hiring the other two men he says, "Well, if these other 2 men work as good as they say I won't need any more help but I'll put you in charge of supplies."
The next day the owner goes and checks on his new workers, and sure enough the German is picking gold at an unbelievable rate......The Irishman is loading it as fast as the other workers can haul it out. He looks around and can't find the Chinaman anywhere.
He begins to walk around the mine to find him and just as he rounds a dark corner the Chinaman jumps out from behind a rock and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
The Stranger
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for..... rustling...
A Stranger in Town
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. The locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished, he discovered that his horse was missing. He came back into the bar, twirlled his six-guns into the air, caught them without even looking and fired into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUUUUUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted uneasily.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy looked back and said, "I had to walk home..."
Takin' a Holliday
It's 1880's, the era of gunslingers. This is the story of a young man who wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Tombstone, Arizona, the Boot Hill Saloon.
The young man walked into the saloon and, to his surprise, saw Doc Holliday sitting at a table playing poker.
The young man walked up to Doc and said, "Doctor Holliday, I would like to be a gunfighter just like you. Could you give me some tips?"
Holliday put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health but, for you I'll make an exception. Step back and let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped back. Holliday looked him over and said, "Son, you look good. You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunfighter. But what's more important son, can you shoot?"
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and, without aiming, shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.
Holliday said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"
Before Doc could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. The young man proudly blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun.
"How was that?" the boy asked.
Holliday smiled, looked up at the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
"Well," Holliday replied, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both of your guns and stick them down deep in the lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.
Doc put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them where the sun don't shine!"
New Fangled Plumbing
A dusty cowpoke came in off the trail in Dodge and decided to visit the fanciest saloon he could find. He decided the one advertising an indoor outhouse was the one fer him.
After throwing back a few beers and eating his fill of oysters and beefsteak he felt the call of nature.
Soon everyone heard cries of anguish coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later everyone hears more cries of extreme pain. After a while the bartender couldn't take any more of it and sent for Doc Peabody to check on the feller.
"Whats all the ruckus cowboy?" the Doc asked as he held his nose.
"Doc, something is wrong with this toilet," replied the cowboy. "Everytime I pull the lever something squashes my balls".
"That wouldn't happen if you'd quit sittin on the mop bucket" replied the good doctor.
Wedding Day
A rancher and his new bride were on their way back from the church in town to their ranch riding in a buggy pulled by an old mule.
After a while the mule stumbled and the rancher slowly replied "That's one!"
A little while later the mule stumbled again and the rancher replied "That's two!"
The third time the mule stumbled the rancher pulled out his trusty revolver and shot the mule dead.
Needless to say the bride was both shocked and angry and yelled "Why did you do that?!! That old mule couldn't help it... !! we're five miles from town and now we'll have to walk to the ranch...!! and it's hot....!! and have you ever tried to walk with heels on a dirt road...!!"
The rancher slowly replied "That's one..."
Revenge
A three legged dog walks into a saloon and sits up at the bar. As the dog is drinking his water he carefully looks at everyone entering and leaving the saloon.
After a while the curious bartender asks the dog what he's doing.
The dog replied "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw!"
The Test
A dusty cowpoke walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The cowboy guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."
Cowboy: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."
So the cowboy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
Bartender: OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.
Cowboy: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.
Bartender: "You're call. But your money stays in the jar."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Deer Hunting Texas Style
Two cowboys were deer hunting and one of them shot a huge Boon & Crockett buck. After field dressing it , they each grabbed a antler and off they went dragging their prize. They were having a heck of a time pulling that old buck, when along came a sod-buster. When he saw the problems they were having, he suggested that they drag it by the hind legs, so that the horns would slip through the brush, and not hang up. So they did. After a while of making better progress than before one said to the other, " It sure is easier draggin this here deer by it's back legs like that feller said !" To which the other responded, " yea, but we're gettin further and further from the wagon!
Deer Hunting Texas Style -The Rest of the Story
These same two cowboys were out deer hunting, again, and they come across a set of tracks. One Texan says to the other Texan, "Those have got to be buffalo tracks." The second Texan says, "Hell no, buffalo in Texas make tracks way bigger than that, they gotta be moose tracks." To this the first Texan replies, "They ain't moose tracks. The moose in Texas make tracks a lot bigger than that, they gotta be elk tracks." The second Texan still doesn't agree with him so he says, "The elk of Texas make a track way bigger than that, there ain't no way that them are elk tracks." While both of the Texans were arguing about the origin of the animal that made these tracks, the train finally came a rumbling along and killed them both.
Gunfighter
Here's a story about a gunfighter who comes to town. Big bad dude. Riddin a beautiful white stallion. He been on a long trek and was plumb thirsty when he come to town. So he pulls up to the front of this here saloon, goes in and orders up a drink. He's hot, tired, thirsty, hungry, been shot at and ain't shot nobody in over a week, so he's packin a real bad attitude.
After a few drinks, he decides to go find a shop where he can get a bath and a shave. As he walks around his horse, he sees that some varmint has painted the balls of his horse a bright yellow. Oooooh boy is he bent out of shape now. His beautiful stud has got yellow balls. He charges up the stairs, busts into the saloon and bellows out, "who's the no good varmint that painted my horses balls yellow. Dead silence as he looks round the room. Then at the bar this big man, I'm talking about a biiiiigg man. Well he turns around from the bar, looks this dude straight in the eye and says, "I painted your horses balls yellow. So what?" Well the dude, still madder than a wet hen bellows back, "well, I just wanted to tell you the first coat is dry!"
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know .....You left your Injun runnin"!!!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and are soon asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and asks, "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see many of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tell me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tell me Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it evident the Lord all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seem we have beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says: "Someone stole our tent."
How to Speak Texan
Ah: the person speaking or writing, "Ah am a Texan, and Ah speak Ainglish.
Ainglish: the language spoken in the U.S., "It's easy to git around Fort Worth, everbody speaks Ainglish."
All: petroleum, "How many all wayals do yawl own podner?"
Are: 60 minutes.
Ast:past tense of ask, "Ah ast everybody, and they said this is the biggest round-up ever."
Banes: kidney-shaped seed "This chili shore is loaded with banes.
Beggar: larger "Everthin is bigger in Texas!"
Cards: afraid "Fightn' outlaws & injuns isn't for cards."
Cheer: at or in this place, "Ah'll wait right cheer, if'n you won't be too long."
Doll: to call on the telephone, "Jes doll room service fer nearly enythin."
Fate: plural of foot, "Mah fate kayant take all this walkin'
Mere: what you see yorself in
Minners: live bait
Mizrus: a married woman
Nack: yore haid sets on it
Nar: opposite of wide
Nup: no
Ormy: what the sojers are in
Orrel: them hinges need orrel
Pank: a light red collar (color)
Poke salit: vegetable
Puppet: what a preacher is in
Purdy: she's as purdy as a pitcher
Rah cheer: i was borned rah cheer in this town
Rang: you war it on your fanger
Rat: do it rat now
Roont: she plum roont her shoes
Salary: a white stringy vegetable
Shar: a light rain
Shurf: the shurf put joe bob in jail
Sofy: you set on it (also die-van)
Sour deans: small canned fish
Sprang: water out of the ground
Strang: twine
Phrasing: extremely cold, "We usually have a few phrasing days in January."
Prod: highly pleased, "Ah shore am prod to be a Texan."
Riot: opposite of left, "Turn riot at the corner."
Slave: the part of the garment that covers the arm, "Yawl jus spilt yore drank on mah slave."
Seed: past tense of see, "Ah seed it with mah own eyes."
Tar: his core blew two tars Tard: plum tuckered out, "Punchin' cattle shore makes me tard."
Thanks: he thanks he's smart
Thow: thow me the ball
Turd floater: a heavy rain
Turpin: a land turtle
War: as in bobbed war fance
Worsh: go worsh yore face
Yurp: a continent overseas
Cowboy Insults
His family tree was a shrub.
He's so crooked, he could swaller nails an'spit out corkscrews.
He so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.
She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Disasterous Horse Ride
Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. To make things worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
Cowboy Honeymoon
A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, informing him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk, "Would you like the bridal, then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy, "I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
Family Event
Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back.
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get the hell away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your damn deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
(Not overly intelligent)
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
(self-explanatory)
Tighter than bark on a tree
(Not very generous)
Big hat, no cattle
(All talk and no action)
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
(He has a pretty high opinion of himself)
She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
(That woman can talk)
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
(We really could use a little rain around here)
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly
(Appearances can be deceptive)
This ain't my first rodeo
(I've been around awhile)
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
(Not the most handsome of men)
They ate supper before they said grace
(Living in sin)
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope
(Stop arguing and do as you're told)
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
(Rather prone to boasting)
You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is)
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